I hesitate to "blog it out" sometimes.....

because I don't want to freak out my mom or anyone else who reads this and cares about me. I think that's partially the reason y'all haven't seen much blog activity from me in the past few months. These health issues are getting the best of me.

Some things I would rather keep completely private and keep in my private journals at home, and that's kind of where I've been at recently. Because once I put it on here, the whole world knows what kind of crap is floating around in my head sometimes. And I'm not sure that's a good thing, but here we go: Glynn has been encouraging me to get things off my chest so brace yourself, people. It's a scary place in my head these days.

Also? The 2 and 3 year olds don't make it any easier to sit down at a computer without distractions. They don't like it when Mommy's attention is anywhere but on them. Don't have ANY idea where they got that complex from *ahem* but I love them for it anyway.

So here I sit, earning my paycheck by waiting for patients that won't show up. Boy, that's not gonna be the case in the next 12 months. Wherever we land. THAT's another distraction too. Gosh, if Glynn and I make it through this transition to civilian life and private practice alive, I'll consider it a success. The stress is unreal. But I'll save the practice laments for a private journal, it's too exhausting to explain and write about. And unnecessary, too. Glynn and I have to deal with this one on our own.

So this story begins after Brady was born. I had a pretty good bout of post-partum depression/anxiety with the anxiety being the larger part of that time in our life. I had heard of post-partum depression and never thought it would happen to me. I'm too resilient, I thought. Boy, was I wrong. I was subsequently placed on medication to help control it and it's been a godsend. I've come to realize that me just being "wound too tight" is code for "uncontrollable anxiety" and that's what God made Paxil for. Since that time, I've had a few anxiety attacks, I'd say one maybe every 4-5 months or so. Usually, I can feel them coming on and Glynn recognizes it too, so I have a medication especially for that (God bless Xanax) that helps SO much. It just stomps the anxiety attacks into smithereens (and leaves me asleep and drooling, but that is so much preferred to the other, uncontrollable scary panic attacks). I'm going somewhere with this one, stay with me, people.

We camp out as a family every weekend on our couch. "Spencer Family Campouts" are a tradition around here, and 0ne of our favorite things to do in this world. On Friday night, we were all snuggled in our respective places and fast asleep when Glynn had to wake me up from a hellish nightmare, I was crying in my sleep so hard that my pillow was soaked. (I'm pretty sure I know where that nightmare came from, some work concerns, but that's another story I don't want to get into -- do you feel like I'm speaking in code? I do!) After I woke up and calmed down, I was okay, but it was so scary. I've never had a nightmare like that before.

Anyway, yesterday morning, we woke up and had a lovely Sunday breakfast.....some of Daddy's really awesome pancakes. I was cleaning up after the kids when it hit me like a ton of bricks. The cold sweats, shaking, feeling that the walls were closing in on me. I sat down and Glynn said, "What is it? You were just telling me how good you feel!" (I had another nerve block on Friday, which I think helped some with this chronic pain thing that's been going on....again, another story for another day). He saw the sweat pouring down my forehead and recognized the impending attack. Thank God for my incredible husband. He got the medication I needed to help me out, made me take it, and then had me lie down and rest.

When I woke up several hours later, I still felt weird. Very clingy and needy. I constantly kept at least one of the kids in my lap or held onto Glynn for the rest of the afternoon and night yesterday. I don't know what in the hell came over me, but I was almost glad to go back to work this morning to distract myself from some of that awful anxiety. I know exactly why I'm stressed out right now and it comes from a multitude of places, but it doesn't help that my body won't let me deal with it in a normal manner. I HATE being so weak that these panic attacks take over. I HATE not being able to deal with stress like a normal person. I used to be very self-sufficient! I used to be able to take care of myself! Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful every day to have married such a wonderful man that loves me and takes care of me when this happens, but he shouldn't HAVE to. I shouldn't get like that! Am I completely nuts? Have I gone over the deep end? Do I need to be committed? What the hell is going on with me?

I guess I'm still reeling over that panic attack and those nightmares this weekend. It's got me in kind of a funk, I suppose. I just want some normalcy. I want to be able to deal with stress like a normal human. I want to be able to make it through a workday without having to lie down and rest midday. I need to feel like Jodie again! I don't even recognize myself these days.

Poor Glynn. He's been so great to stick with me through all of this junk. And I hope he knows (and he will once he reads this) that I would do the same for him. In a heartbeat. I feel like I've completely lost my mind lately.

I know, it's just stress. Stress stress stress. I think it's just that it's coming so hard and fast from so many different places that I just had a mini-breakdown over the weekend.

Pray for my recovery, please. I beg of you. I am so looking forward to this weekend, as my parents are coming to visit for Maddie's "happy birthday" (that's what she calls it, isn't that the cutest thing ever) and they're bringing my beloved Uncle Ken! I'm really excited but I still am needing today to kind of "normalize" myself, I suppose, before I get back into Mom mode to plan for Maddie's party and get some cleaning and grocery shopping done before the weekend. I can't wait to see everybody, and Maddie and Brady will just lose their MINDS when they see not ONLY Grandma and Grandpa, but the surprise of Uncle Ken as well (he's kind of a favorite of theirs) :) We can't wait to see them. And I need the distraction. Hoping the weather is nice enough to take the boat out one last time or two before it gets too cold and we have to winterize the boat.




Whew!


Have I dumped enough on you?


Oddly enough, I do feel better after just spitting all of this out (metaphorically speaking, of course) and getting it off my chest.


I think that's quite enough for now.

Hope you guys don't have me committed. :)