I'm glad I'm not afraid of needles!

Considering that I had about sixty of them sticking out of me today for about an hour or so. That's right. Acupuncture. I finally broke down and tried it. And you know what? I've decided to just keep an open mind and not try to question it or understand it. There's a reason it's been around for hundreds of years and millions of people practice it. Okay, maybe not millions, but a whole bunch, okay? And I'm at a point where I'll try anything. ANYTHING.

I'm so. freaking. tired. of waking up in agony every morning. Of waiting for the pain to subside after taking medications. Of just barely getting by in the morning, trying to get all four kids ready, get them to school, and try to make myself look presentable through excruciating pain. It sucks so bad. So now I'm ready to try to do anything. Even if I don't understand it.

So I went in today and had a zillion needles stuck into me and then I waited. I don't know what it was supposed to do or how I was supposed to feel and I know it's not some automatic thing, but it made me feel better just to be doing SOMETHING. I felt like just the act of forward progress was enough.

So I have to go back next week for another round, and some ultrasound therapy too. He also talked about some "muscle manipulation" or something like that. I don't care if he tries to saw me in half or light me on fire, if it makes me feel even a tenth of a percent better, it's worth it.

So other than the pincushion that I've been turned into, we had a fun morning at work today. The Patterson dental crew had asked us earlier this month if they could bring some people by to look at our practice. Some dentists that were looking to open their own practices. Like, so we could SHOW OFF our cool freaking practice!! So I was expecting like 4 or 5 dentists to come through with our Patterson reps, but this HUGE tour bus pulls up and out come 40 people!! It was crazy! It was so much fun to have all of those people come through and talk about how neat our space was and hear the compliments on our design. It felt awesome to actually HAVE something to show off. Our dream has come true, and it's awesome, if I do say so myself. I am so proud of the way it has turned out. Today it really hit home, too. That's OUR practice! Nobody's gonna come in and tell us we have to go back to Japan! Nobody's gonna tell us we CAN'T do this that or the other. It's ALL OURS! Okay, well technically it's still the bank's but let's not get all label-y over things, all right?


When I got home with the kids this afternoon, I decided to go get in a nice long bubble bath to relax and let my body recover from my pin-cushion experience, so I headed upstairs and filled up my huge tub. I was just about to get out when who do you think burst into my bathroom? That's right. The Maddie and her sidekick. They got so excited when they saw the big tub all filled up with bubbles and immediately started getting naked. Splash! They decided to come in for a swim.

There's nothing better the cute little naked wet babies in a bathtub. Blowing bubbles. "Swimming" across the tub. Little floating naked butts. Brady saying, "Look Mommy! It makes me float!" and bobbing up and down like a little naked apple.

I LOVE bathtime with the babies. And it's been a long time since they bombarded me like that. I'll be sad when they're too old for that, too. Little nuggets. I love 'em so much.

It's going to be a rainy yucky weekend which really sucks, because I really wanted to take the kids to the pumpkin patch. And I don't know if we'll have time to do it before Halloween, so we may have to get our pumpkins at the grocery store. Not ideal, but we'll do what we have to do, I suppose. We've really enjoyed the past couple of years being able to go to our local pumpkin patch in Illinois and I'd like to continue that tradition here. The kids are always so cute going to pick out their pumpkins and they get so excited to go on hayrides and stuff. I hope we don't have to miss out on that this year.

So pray for sunshine for us, and I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Hello, lovelies, have you missed me?

I've been a bit self-indulgent these last few months. With having yet ANOTHER surgery, separating from the Navy, moving, and opening our own dental practice, we've had just a few things on our plate lately.



So I apologize.



In case anyone noticed that I was gone.

But here I am! So let me fill you in on the last four months.

First of all, health-wise: I had yet another surgery to try to correct the problem that was causing my pain. I had a triple-nerve neurectomy and wound dissection done under general anesthesia, and for a few weeks afterwards I actually thought that it was going to work. But then, just like clockwork, I woke up one morning and had that same old pain again, the aching, gnawing, terrible pain that makes me want to die. And it's been there ever since. Lovely. SO, with the separating from the Navy thing hanging over my head, I had to go through multiple exams and appointments at the VA to have them "rate" me and my "disability", since it started on active duty, apparently the Navy is going to take care of my medical care and prescriptions for the rest of my life, as long as I'm treated at a military treatment facility. So I've got THAT going for me. Since we just recently separated from the Navy, I now have to send in my final separation paperwork and they will rate my disability, give me a percentage based on what their exams saw. And then, depending on the percentage, I'll be getting a check every month for the rest of my life and be eligible for care at VA facilities. So there's your silver lining, folks. They're paying me with money for my pain and suffering. I'd rather have a cure, but I'll take what I can get these days.

We moved from Antioch, IL to Lee's Summit, MO on September 13th. We thought that we would have a few weeks to get settled before hitting the ground running with the practice but we were oh. so. wrong. From the minute we rolled into Missouri, it's been nonstop with just stuff. We've not had a moment to relax in the last 4 months, hardly. BUT, the practice is now up, open, and running and we're starting the fill the books more every day. It's my dream, it has been forever, and our practice is everything I've ever wanted and more. It turned out so well that I can hardly believe it's ours. I keep feeling like we're going to have to get on a plane and go back to Great Lakes any minute, like this is just some dream, some vacation, that's going to end eventually. But you know what? IT'S NOT! We're free, free, FREE from the Navy and now WE'RE calling the shots. And I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you that didn't feel pretty great.

I ended up hiring some great girls. I mean, MAN, did we get lucky. I've got wonderful people working for us and they all get along! It's almost too good to be true. I'm sure that as we grow and expand, we'll go through some growing pains somewhere, but for now? I've got the perfect staff. AND, I was able to hire Paula Schultz as our office manager, someone that I'd worked with back in Maryville when I was a teenager working for Dr. Phil. She's been like another mom to me for so long and I KNOW that she's amazing at what she does, I just got lucky enough to have her living near me and available and willing to come to work with us. Glynn loves her as much as I do (well, almost) and we thank our lucky stars every day that she's part of our practice. She's become indispensable to us so quickly that I hope she works with us forever!

The kids are doing great. We've got Maddie and Brady in a Kindercare nearby our house (like, seriously, it's two minutes away) and they LOVE it. I'm so glad we found such a great place so quickly. Maddie turned 5 in September and just missed the cutoff for kindergarten so she'll start next year. Meanwhile, she and Brady are happy as clams in their new classrooms, and every day they tell me, "I had a GREAT day today, Mommy!" They especially love show-and-tell Wednesdays and learning German, Spanish, and sign language.

Annie and Sarah are doing well in their schools in Belton. We're able to see them so much now, it's awesome. We have them every Wednesday and every other weekend (although lately it's been every weekend, woo-hoo!). I just took them back-to-school clothes shopping recently and found out that they were both wearing pants about 4 sizes too small! No wonder Annie's ass was hanging out of all of her shorts, I just thought she was trying to be too grown up, but it turns out she just didn't have anything that fit her! Poor kids. Also, Annie's been telling us she's having trouble seeing the board at school so we took her to get her eyes checked last week, and yep, you guessed it, the girl needs glasses. I'm just glad we took her to get it checked out! I don't know HOW long she'd been struggling like that!

I took the girls last week to get new hairdos, too. Annie got a wave perm, which looks just darling on her, and Sarah got a cute little bob cut just below her chin. Again, adorable. (Naturally). They're both doing great, considering. Their mom and step-dad split up over the summer and they've had to recently move to a town-house with their mom and little sister, so they've had their little lives turned upside down recently. I'm just glad we're back to help out, and provide some stability in their lives right now. It's confusing and hurtful when parents have problems, and especially when Dan (their stepdad) has become such a huge part of their lives and they love him so much. He's a great guy and we've been really glad to have him be around to be such a great influence on the girls, so we were a little concerned for them to lose him so suddenly. Although, lately, they've gotten to start going to church with him on the weekends that they're with Teri, and I think they get to see him pretty often through the week.

So that brings us up to speed, I suppose, although it's a highly edited and expedited version of the events of the last 4 months. And no update would be complete without some sad news, as well: My Uncle Jack died this week. He had been very sick for a very long time and it was expected, but it's never easy.

Dad and I went to a memorial service today at Camp Geiger, where Jack had wanted his ashes spread. Jack, Dad, and their sons all were big into Scouts, and had went up the ranks through the Mic-O-Say tribe and Eagle Scouts. Jack's wishes were to have his ashes spread at the point at Camp Gieger, around the Mic-o-Say fire pit, where they did their ceremonial dances and such. It's forbidden to go there if you are NOT a Mic-O-Say scout, so we had to get special permission to go there and have family members present for the service. It was short, simple, and to the point. Joyce's minister came and said some very nice and comforting words, and my dad was the one to spread Jack's ashes. I don't think Jack would have had it any other way. In fact, a bit of the ashes blew back onto Dad's leg and boot, so he brought a bit of Jack home with us today. We had a good laugh about that.

Although that side of our family has a complicated past, it was good to be there today to have closure and say goodbye. We've long since put our differences aside, and Jack and Joyce have made an effort to be closer to the family for years, with much success. But with a long and sometimes painful family history, it makes for some complex emotions at a time like this. I was just glad to be with Dad today.

So there's my story of the last four months. We're up at Mom and Dad's tonight and I'm grateful to be here, this is one of the places where I feel most serene and safe and comforted. You never get too old to want to just go home sometimes. And you NEVER outgrow wanting Mom and Dad, no matter how old you get. I know that much is true.

Goodnight and God bless, everybody. I appreciate any prayers for our family right now, we can always use them.

Here we go again!

I met with my surgeon last week and he determined that the last 14 months? That nerve? That's been treated/injected/ablated? Was the WRONG ONE.

The WRONG fucking nerve has been being treated for the last 14 MONTHS. That my pain has been coming from a different accessory nerve in that region.

Wonderful.

So now, it's time to be sliced and diced again, and SOON. The downside of having a military surgeon? They DEPLOY. At a moment's notice.

On Friday morning, my surgeon got notice that he was deploying. Soon. As in July 5th soon. So my surgery? Will be done within a week. (Still have to meet with him today to find out when)

The good news is that I'll get it done and over with. Not exactly great timing with a house-hunting/business trip coming up, but if we waited any longer, the timing would just get worse. SO, Glynn may have to make a trip solo and conference me in on the phone for everything.

Whatever it takes. THIS time, I WILL let my body heal itself. I won't be getting up and stressing out my body. No kids jumping on my incision. No housework. No cooking. No anything. I swear.

My poor husband. My poor mom. They've really got their work cut out for them. I'm just grateful to have some help. I couldn't do this alone.

So keep those hands together and keep the prayers coming, because I need them now more than ever. I'm scared. I don't like surgery, especially one where I don't know how bad it's going to be, with so many unknowns going into it. How big the incision will be, what will he find? What will he have to do to fix it? I just need to think positive and pray for the best, a small incision, a simple repair, and for God to bless my surgeon's hands and mind, and also watch over him as he deploys.

Just to name a few more things to pray about: the impeding separation from the military, the move, the new practice, the health and well-being of my family, and for Glynn and I to be able to work through all of this stress without hurting each other. That someday we will be able to settle down, grow roots, and stay PUT. With ONE job, ONE place to live, ONE place to work. I can't wait.

That's all for now, I'll post more as I get more details.

Cut me open baby!

So it's only been 13 months since my hernia repair surgery. I mean, ONLY 13 months of chronic pain that makes my life a living hell. Sure, I've had ups and downs and some treatments have provided relief for a few weeks, but it always comes back.

I had a mini (okay, a major) breakdown/breakthrough this week. I had been tapering down the dosage of pain medication and that was apparently a bad idea, because as I tapered it down the pain went UP. And UP. And UP. To the point that I could hardly walk a few nights ago, and was constantly in tears. I broke down at work to my friend Emily about how miserable I was and how I couldn't keep going on like this. I was so exhausted by putting on the mask of "I'm fine" that I just lost it. The pain was out of control and I just wanted to give up.

So Emily took charge. She dragged me by my ear down to internal medicine and strongarmed the nurses down there into getting me an appointment with my incredible doctor. I mean, she was scaring ME a little bit with her take-charge-ed-ness. Like Moses, she just parted people out of her way and wouldn't take no for an answer.

Anyway, my doc put me back on the higher dose of medication, scheduled a STAT MRI with contrast that DAY, and referred me to a CIVILIAN surgeon. Thank GOD. I just want this shit cut out of me.

There's something like 6% of people who have the same surgery I did that have it RE-done a year later due to chronic pain. It's usually associated with the mesh that is implanted in the body during the initial surgery, it forms massive scar tissue, can trap nerves, form neuromas around permanent suture sites, stuff like that. It only figures the I would be one of those 6% of people. You know, because I don't have anything ELSE going on right now. It's so convenient and everything.

The pain management place I have been going to has been doing just that--managing my PAIN. Or should I say mis-managing it. Point is, they haven't been doing anything to take care of the cause of pain. Basically every time I come in and start questioning them, they say something like, "Well, we could give you another injection" or "let's refill these medications and see how you're doing in a month" or my favorite "we may not GET any better than this". ??????? If I have to learn to LIVE like this, then I don't want any part of it.

So the point is, I'm finally going to get something done about it. I will FIND a surgeon to cut this mesh out of me and repair my abdominal wall the old-fashioned way. This mesh shit works for lots of people and makes the surgery really quick and easy, but I'm sorry, Gore-Tex belongs on boots and jackets, not in my BODY. I mean, when I first went to the pain clinic, my nurse told me, "Oh, yeah, we have TONS of patients who are like you. Those mesh repairs cause a lot of problems." ???????? So where's the common sense there? If so many people have complications, then why are surgeons still using this stuff? Because so many other people DON'T have issues? What's the acceptable morbidity percent for them? Because if X% of MY patients had the chance of having this kind of pain and complications, you can damn sure bet I wouldn't be doing procedures like that anymore. I'd find another way. But that's just me.

Okay, rant over. For now.

By Monday my referral to the surgeon should come through and I'm going to make an appointment ASAP. I want this over and done with. Like yesterday.

I'll keep y'all posted on my continuing adventures. Prayers appreciated! Love you guys!

Forget the Vaseline, how about nail polish?

So, I'm getting paid back for ruining so much of my parents' furniture with nail polish remover. Karma's a bitch.

Maddie decided to try and paint her own toenails the other day while I was taking a nap with Brady. She hauled all of the stuff upstairs to her room that she would need, and proceeded to paint her toes, feet, carpet and nightstand purple and red.

So pretty!

She was so freakin' cute, she looked so proud of herself that she had surprised me by being a big girl and painting her own toes. She really didn't MEAN to spill the polish on the carpet. There is no WAY I could get mad at her. Daddy and I just had a talk with her that next time she wanted to be a princess and paint her nails, she should ask for help first.


This MAY just be the cutest thing she's done. ALL little girls get into Mommy's makeup or nail polish at least once, it's a right of passage. I remember doing that kind of thing when I was a little girl too.

So, I got the honor of spending about 2 hours on my hands and knees with industrial acetone, scrubbing and scrubbing the carpet, trimming some fibers, and praying that it would come out. It did! Carpet looks good as new, it just smells to holy hell in there, so Maddie got a couple of nights sleeping in "Grandma and Grandpa's room" on their bed while her room cleared out. And you know what else I discovered? The Mr. Clean magic eraser takes nail polish off of bedside tables without damaging the paint or finish! Who knew?


I love my kids. I don't care how big of mess they make, these are things I'll never forget. And I don't want to.


BUT, I feel like Mr. Clean could've saved my mom a bunch of headaches if he would have JUST came out with his eraser about 33 years ago. Damn that bald guy.

Anyone know how to clean Vaseline off of dressers?

That's right, Vaseline.

SMEARED all over a dresser.

Courtesy of Brady and Maddie.


I'll back up a little and set the scene for their latest crime. Glynn and I had decided that they were both big enough to take down the gate that was at the bottom of the stairs, to have access to their rooms to play during the day and whatever.

They were THRILLED. They spent the day scurrying up and down the stairs, having "adventures" and playing in their rooms, making a mess, I knew, but I didn't care as long as they were happy. Messes can be picked up. Clothes and toys all over the room? No biggie.

But I forgot to do a pre-emptive exam of their rooms before I let them loose. I had forgotten that I usually leave some baby vicks and a little jar of vaseline next to Brady's bed so I can keep his cheeks and chin from drying out and getting all flaky. I usually put it on him at bedtime and didn't think about it when we got the bright idea to let the kids have free reign.

Well, we had a couple of mishaps where both of the kids got injured by playing together, Brady had a door closed on him and Maddie got hit with a dinosaur. Not big injuries, but enough to get a little mommy snuggling and "Oh, poor baby"s out of me.

The next thing I know, Brady's standing at the top of the stairs yelling down at me, "Mommy! I got medicine for my owie! It's all better now!" I looked up to see him holding a blue jar, no lid in sight. My heart sunk. What in the world? I scampered up the stairs to see him and Maddie COVERED in Vaseline and baby Vicks rub. Also? They had coated the front of his dresser with it.

I cleaned them and the dresser up the best I could and let them run around naked for awhile.

All you can really do is laugh. And I did. In fact, this one is going to be remembered for a long time.

But at least they have soft skin. And they smell minty/eucalyptus-y fresh. All clear lungs and nasal passages in our house!

Also? If someone has any idea how to get the vaseline residue off the dresser?

I'm all ears.

WE GOT IT! WE GOT IT! OH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!

Our practice loan, that is. The one from the bank we wanted to work with. For the full estimated amount of our practice, including working capital. Without any crazy strings attached like the other place.

Bank of America? Kiss my ass. You crazy-ass stupid mother-f-ers. You have NO idea what you missed out on. I. HATE. YOU. And your stupid phone interviews. Which ask questions not even PERTINENT to our future practice. You will NEVER, EVER, have my business. In fact, I fart in your general direction. I hope you go under, and go under BAD, and all of your employees see the light and go over to Stillwater National Bank (or whatever they're known as after their recent merger) where they would be welcomed with open arms and hopefully train the stupid right out of them.

THANK YOU GOD.

This has stressed me out to no end recently, not knowing if we were going to get approved for our full amount. Another bank, Matsco, had offered us about 60% of our estimated costs, which we could have just possibly BARELY squeaked by on, and had some outrageous requests. Prior to that, Bank of America wouldn't touch us with a ten foot pole. And we are about the most sure bet for a small business that you could possibly have! Especially if you look at the demographic analysis that we have been studying for the last 3 years. AND the rate of growth that we are expecting. Did B of A ask for any of that information? No. What idiots. Thank God for Alex from Stillwater. He took his sweet-ass time, don't get me wrong, but he came through for us in the end, and that's all that matters.

BUT, due to the fact that he took so long, we're now right up against the wire on our projected schedule, and will be thisclose to opening on our date that we've had picked out.

Since that happy phone call this afternoon, I've been on the phone with: our commercial real estate agent, our commercial real estate attorney, our architect of choice, our Patterson dental rep (and overall dental practice building guru who we couldn't live without), and our insurance agent. I've sent out roughly two dozen emails in the last two days, this is gonna be a crazy sprint towards our finish line, but it is going to be fun as well as stressful, I think. Bottom line is, maybe I can finally finish popping Pepto tablets like mints. Maybe not. I may have an ulcer by the end of this, or some chronic puking disorder, but it could maybe help with some much needed weight loss, but oh well.

And if Glynn and I get through this without killing each other? Then that's just a bonus.

I'm just kidding (sort of ). Now that the financing has come through, I think it's going to get better between us and stressing each other out. Now comes the fun stuff! We get to start picking out equipment and designing our practice! Hiring staff, firing staff, finding the right "fit" for us and our people.

I can't wait.

But just ignore that economy-sized bottle of Pepto in my purse for the next 5 months. And the accidental Tourette's-ish cursing outbursts. And the cold sweats, shaking hands, and projectile vomiting.

It shouldn't last too much longer. Love to you all who have supported us through this and will continue to. (Sense the heavy-handed hinting here, people. Sense it.) Also? Offers of baby-sitting so Daddy and Mommy can make business decisions and meetings and yell at contractors will always be appreciated.

Love you ALL, and we'll find a way to compensate in the future. 2-for-1 fillings, anyone?


*smooch*

*bear hug*







*projectile vomit in corner*

Big week ahead!

Well, good news! We've been approved for a practice loan through one of the banks we applied from. GREAT news. That means, no matter what, we're going to be able to get this practice off the ground! We're still waiting to hear from the one other bank on our loan application, and hopefully they will come through, because we think they'll be able to finance us with a better amount and less stipulations, but we'll see.


Anyhoo, I've got a flight out on Wednesday night, LATE, so I can spend all day Thursday and Friday in K.C. interviewing architects and contractors for our practice build-out. I hate to leave my family and be away from them for a couple of days, BUT, just realized that Annie and Sarah are on my flight back home because the next week is their spring break, which they are spending with us! How fun! I'm just going to surprise them on the flight when I see them at the airport. Isn't it great? Shhh, don't tell!


I'm getting more and more excited and nervous every day about our practice, especially as time is ticking away on that countdown clock. I'm mostly excited to start our practice but the amount of work ahead of us is almost impossible to comprehend, I can't even wrap my mind around it. All I can do right now is pray, pray, and pray some more that God will bless us with patience with each other and the ability to talk things through as all this pressure is upon us, that we don't take our stresses out upon each other, and that we traverse through this major career and life change with patience, grace, and understanding. It's so hard not to just freak out on a daily basis, but we're trying.


God help us.



All prayers are welcome. We love you all!

Cutest. Kids. Ever.

Maddie and Brady in their matching Daddy shirts.

Brady, mastering my Iphone.

They love broccoli!

Trying to feed each other...with their mouths. Weird kids. :)

This one is my favorite, they were watching a movie and there was a "scary" part on. Brady starting whimpering and said, "It's a scary part! I'm scared!" And Maddie says, "Don't worry Brady, I'll hold your hand. And of course she followed through! They are both fiercely protective of each other. I love it. I guess I did something right since they love each other so much. And don't like to be apart.

Okay, I know those labels for the posts don't line up but I can't figure out how to make them. I'm tech challenged, sorry! But you can get the gist of it.

Don't you just love 'em?

Okay, I know I'm getting old

but this is just ridiculous.

My AARP card came in the mail yesterday. ???????

I'm thirty-fucking-TWO, which is WELL below the qualifying age of 50 to be a member of this esteemed organization.

On the plus side, I wonder if I'll get a discount on the early bird special at Denny's now. And if anyone will "card" me to see if I'm really 50, just aging beautifully. I am thrilled when I get carded to buy alcohol, that means I look young enough to be 21 (in some people's eyes, anyway) HA! So this seems like a drastic swing in the other direction.

Okay, whatever. We had a good laugh over it, but I promptly went and slathered on a ton of anti-wrinkle cream around my eyes and performed a full-body examination for liver spots and gray hairs. (I found none, thankfully -- partially due to an excellent hair stylist, but that is privileged information).

So in addition to my new AARP status, the only other exciting event lately happened on Friday afternoon. I don't want to get into specifics, but let's just say I guess I have been more stressed out than I realized, because there was a little event that happened on Friday, just a snarky, nasty comment directed towards me that normally I would have either ignored or shot back at.

Instead? I went to my office and LOST it. Completely came unglued, and had a total breakdown. We're talking shoulders shaking, sobbing, wailing, all-out good cry. I guess I was in need of it, because when I was finally done letting it all out, I felt.....well, lighter somehow, I guess. Cleansed. Refreshed. Except for the swollen eyes and red nose, and the splitting headache from all that crying.

I think all of this recent severe pain I've been having has really been wearing me down emotionally as well as physically. Throw in the stresses of the practice, leaving the Navy, and two sick kids for a week, and you've got the makings of a breakdown.

Hey, every woman needs a good cry now and then, and I haven't had one for a very long time. Not to get too TMI-ish, but in the past, I'd get a little emotional once a month and therefore have a little release there, so it didn't build up like it has been. Well, ever since I had a different form of birth control placed, I don't GET that little monthly visitor anymore and don't have the mood swings, PMSing where I could have a good cry every month and get it out of my system. Picture all of that building up over the past two YEARS and that's what came out on Friday.

So after work, I went and picked up the kids, came home, and once Glynn got home, he was sweet enough to take the late shift with the kids so I could get some rest and start feeling better. I went to bed at 7:00 that night. 7:00!! I slept like the dead, until 7:00 the next morning, when Brady came in, climbed up on the bed, and snuggled with me. Now THAT's a great way to start a day on a good note. I got up feeling refreshed, relaxed, and ready to face the day.

The moral of this story? Get your cry on once in awhile. If you don't, you might implode.

Also? This coming week we should (SHOULD) hear from the last two banks that we've submitted our loan applications for, and they'll be telling us yay or nay on the loan. I'm scared shitless that we're not going to get it, just like the banks are scared shitless to lend any money out right now.

BUT, I'm thinking positive. I'm going to keep my head up, my spirits high, and be confident that we are going to get approved for our loan. I'm excited about the upcoming processes after the loan goes through. It's an obscene amount of work, but I feel good about it. I'm not dreading it at all, in fact, I'm looking forward to it. You know why? Because it's for US, for our DREAM. For our future together, both personally and professionally. I've got a hectic week coming up this week, a few appointments that I have to make around my super busy patient care schedule, and I think that's a good thing to keep me occupied so I don't sit around waiting for the email or phone call from the banks. I need to stay positive, but not sit and stew about it all week.

SO, should anyone have a few extra moments to send up some prayers for us this week that we get approved for the loan that allows us to build our dream together. Thanks to all. Love you guys!

Pink is my favorite color....

Or at least it used to be.

That is, until both of my kids came down with pinkeye at the same time. Lovely. I love it that they are so good about sharing with each other but did they have to share THAT? Yuck. It could be worse, though, we could be having a re-run of the shared stomach flu that they had a few months ago. THAT was miserable. The pinkeye thing (with associated cold, of course) isn't slowing them down much, it's just the endless supply of snot and eye-boogers. And then, of course, holding them both down for eyedrops three times a day. LOTS of fun there, for all of us.

I knew something was up when Brady woke up on Friday, whining, "Mommy! I can't open my eyes!" Lo and behold, they were glued shut with gunk and just got more and more red as the day progressed. I took him into the doctor on Saturday to verify, and as soon as we got home, I was wiping Maddie's nose and noticed her eyes were like mirror images of Brady's. I gotta say, our pediatrician's office is pretty awesome, I just called them and explained the situation and they put in another prescription for Maddie right away. That was such a hassle-saver.

The worst (best?) thing about this is that the kids can't go to school until this is cleared up so Glynn and I get to tag-team the stay at home parent position this week. I'd take it the whole week except I called in on Friday, so I have to show up tomorrow at least to explain the situation and then we'll see. I personally LOVE staying home with the babies (so does Glynn) so it will be kinda fun for us, except for the mid-day eyedrop dose in which we will be left to our own devices to hold down the kids by ourselves why trying to get the eyedrops in. Ever seen that Friends episode when Monica is trying to get eyedrops into Rachel's eyes? And she sits on her, holds her hands still, and squirts her with the eyedrops all over her face by squeezing the bottle between her teeth? I foresee something like that, except with a lot more screaming on my part. :)

Another thing I love about my kids, besides their absolute eyeball aversion (which I share) is the fact that they have such good imaginations. They love to "play pretend" with each other and have the greatest time coming up with scenarios to play out. Right now they are playing Dora and Diego and pretending to go rescue animals from various places, under the table, behind the chair, etc. Maddie does a really great Dora impression, for all you parents, you would laugh if you heard her, she sounds exactly like her. I guess I've let them watch to much NickJr lately, but I love the cartoons that teach them something and I don't see the harm in them. And we especially love Wonder Pets, that's my favorite too, I find myself getting sucked into that show and we'll all sit down and watch it together. I admit, that's one of the great things about being a parent, getting to watch cartoons with no shame.

Brady is doing okay with his potty training, we're having a minor setback right now with the illness, I've been pushing fluids so heavily that there's no way we've made it to the potty each time. But all in all, he's doing well, he gets the concept, and he's excited about the process. Now it's just a matter of insisting he go on a set schedule, he'll get it soon enough. I'm proud of him. After what Maddie put me through, I'm due to have a easy child to potty train. Whew!


Glynn and I continue to be mesmerized by the Olympics. It's rare that we will have the same passion for a sporting event. I mean, I love football but I can't watch it all day or anything. But with the Olympics? I'll watch any event, any time, and enjoy them all. Except curling. I don't really consider that a sport. Come on. It's fucking shuffleboard. Anything that a grandparent could do can not really be considered a SPORT. I don't concur. Other than that, though, I'm kind of an Olympics junkie, although I'm nowhere NEAR as obsessed as Glynn. And I tend to love the girly events like figure skating just a BIT more (okay a lot more) than the slightly boring-er events like women's speed skating (even though that's pretty entertaining too). It's nice to agree on what channel to watch. It's a lot easier to get him off the hunting channel by asking, "Aren't the Olympics on right now?" Too bad it's only ever 4 years.

Hope everyone else had a great weekend. We're hoping this week brings some good news from our banker about our practice loan, and if so, you'll be seeing some wicked happy dances from this house. Keep praying for us. It's a jungle out there.

I had a dream last night......

....another one, about Grandma.


To say I'd had a few dreams about Grandma in the past year or so would be an understatement.


I had another one last night.

In my dream last night, I dreamt that we had gone to visit Grandma, and that there was a period of time when we had all laid down to watch a movie, and instantly, I was reverted to a childlike me, in which Grandma laid down with me and held me throughout a movie. Almost exactly like I do with both of my babies.

Which is exactly where I slept last night. I fell asleep with Brady on the couch, just cuddled up to him, wrapping him up in my arms, hoping that he could feel how much I love him.

I felt like this was a message. A message from her. In which she was telling me, "Hey. I'm here. I'm looking out for you. I'm here for you, whatever you need."

I talked to my mom today. She said she had had a dream about Grandma a few days ago as well. Even when she was in Mexico, enjoying a week with Dad on a well-deserved vacay! (And, BTW, my parents ROCK. Mom and Dad repelled down a waterfall AND rode a zip line through the jungle! In addition to the temporary tattoos! What bad-asses!)

I know that Grandma is looking out for me. I feel her presence almost daily. I know that as much as she worried about me when she was alive, that she just couldn't let go of that in heaven.

I'm comforted by that. As I've always been comforted by knowing she's always been thinking of me and worrying about me, my entire life.

I feel like she's given me a message. Like, whatever happens, it's going to be okay, I'm here for you and you've got someone looking out for you.


That's an awesome feeling. I love knowing, in the core of my soul, that my beloved Grandma is still worrying about me. And watching over me, now, and making sure I'm okay.

I'm comforted. I'm soothed. I can't explain it any other way. I miss her more than I could have ever imagined. I constantly feel like a piece of me is missing. We had always been very close. I was the youngest grandchild, so I feel like we had a special bond that was unique. Some days, the ache of missing her is so palpable, so painful, that all I want to do is shut myself in a room and cry.

I think that we had a special bond because not only was I the youngest grandchild, I was her daughter's baby. And my mom has told me that there has always been something unique about that for her. I know that I felt like my summer visits with her would never grow old. I felt like I would never outgrow her and Uncle Ken, and our special time together during our summer breaks from school. I think I was the grandkid that stayed with her even through high school, I don't know if that is correct or not, but I know that I would give anything to go back in time and relive some of those moments we had together during those special summer visits. Some of my best memories are of those times.

And you know what? I know that MY kids are developing a special relationship with THEIR Grandma and Grandpa as well (as well as their Nana and Papaw), and that warms my heart to no end. To see history repeat itself is priceless.

I think that's all I've got for tonight. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I only hope and pray that everyone has a chance to know and love a grandparent as much as I did. There is nothing that could ever replace that.

Good night.

He grew up overnight! Bittersweet day.....

Brady decided to grow up and be a big boy just like that. He woke up this morning and basically decided that he was done with diapers and that he wanted to be a big boy.

What?

Where's the catch?

When Glynn picked him up from school today, his teacher said that he had been doing so well with his potty-self-training that she thought we could skip the pull-ups stage with him, basically. I can't believe it! After all the trouble we had with Maddie, I suppose I'm due for an easy kid to potty-train. But I'm having trouble with him growing up so fast. Part of me wants to keep him in diapers so he'll be my little baby forever, it's so hard to let go of that stage for me, knowing that he *might* (will? IDK yet) be my last, so I want to hang on to the baby Brady pretty badly.

Don't get me wrong, I won't miss changing the diapers, but I'll miss his cute little diaper butt running around and that stage of Brady-ness that was so awesome. HE'S so awesome, we're so lucky to have such great kids. But with him being my baby, it's hard for me to let go and let him grow up.

So in addition to his dynamite potty-training, he also now wants to brush his own teeth (he's usually pretty content to lie there and let me handle it) and tonight he got out of bed, came downstairs, and put himself to sleep in his couch corner. Just like that. No whining, no begging for movies, no tricks. Just like a big boy, laid down and rolled over and started snoring.

???????????

I must be hallucinating.

But on the off chance that this is all real, I'll let out some silent cheers for my big boy, while inside I'm weeping like a crazy woman, longing to hold on to those baby days just a little big longer.

All it takes is a song on a radio...

.....to feel very smooshy and all in love with my hubby all over again.

I was driving into work this morning and the Brad Paisley song came on the radio "And I Thought I Loved You Then" and even thought it's written from the man's standpoint, it reminds me of Glynn and how much more in love with him I am every day, every week, every year. When you look back and remember the beginning of your relationship and realize that you've fallen in love with that special person and think that you couldn't ever feel any more for them, and then over time how your love grows and matures and deepens.

And even though we could rightfully kill each other sometimes, we love each other and get through it. And somehow, after all the bad times are over and even though you know there will be more to get through later, you end up loving them more afterwards. Amazing.

'Cause that's what marriage is all about.


Thanks, Mom and Dad. I learned a lot from you. Hope you had a great trip.

A little blue today.....

This pain is really getting the best of me. Again. I KNOW that this increase in pain is only temporary, but it's kind of kicking my ass. And so comes the dark cloud over my head that has been plaguing me on and off for the past several months, the deep dark depressive thoughts, the anxiety, the bad juju. I've felt it creeping up on me today and have tried to keep it in check, but it's starting to win.

When I get like this, I start to think about things that make me upset and sad, the equivalent of emotional cutting, I suppose. I've been missing my Grandma like crazy today, for some reason. I guess it really came and kicked me in the face when Maddie asked for jelly for her bagel. Stick with me, I'm going somewhere with this. The jelly is homemade by Uncle Ken, so I automatically associate that with Grandma, plus her picture is up on the refrigerator, and I know how much she would love to see Maddie with her little face all smeared with grape jelly made from grapes off of her vines. I don't know. It's just the way my mind goes.....the thought process that leads from one thought to another until it's in a place that I don't want to be. I'm not having much anxiety right now, more just some deep dark sadness, which can sometimes be worse. Sometimes my "anxiety attacks" have manifested as more "depression attacks" if that makes sense. I'll just get really upset and sad and melancholy about something (sometimes I don't even know what it IS, I just can't put a finger on it), and THEN the anxiety comes because I can't seem to get a hold on my emotions. This is one of those nights. I'm anxious also about this pain and I get a bit freaked out that I can't make it go away completely right now. I'm trying to use ice, rest, everything else I can do, but nothing works except more pain medication, which I CAN'T take enough of because I will run out of it before my appointment on Wednesday of this week. So I'm trying to reserve using it until I absolutely need it and try to deal with the pain in between.

Please don't get me wrong, I completely understand that this is normal, that this is part of the process of the nerve dying and that it WILL go away, but it's really hard to have increased pain after all these months of it being constant, but controllable. It makes me feel like I'm back at the beginning where nobody knew what was wrong with me and I couldn't get the pain to go away. Which, coincidentally, is at the peak of those times when I was having extra anxiety/depression issues.

Anyway. I know I must sound like such a whiner and you would think this wouldn't throw me for such a loop but it has. Maybe I'm just a weenie. I don't care. When I need to get stuff off my chest I come here. Makes me feel better to vent.

Ahhh, the ice pack is finally kickin in. After the intense pain from the freezing comes the blessed, blessed numbness. Now we're talkin'.

This weekend was supposed to be an intro to potty training with Brady. I made special potty charts for both him AND Maddie. When he goes successfully in the potty, he gets to put a star on his chart and then go get a treat. I've also gotten him to accept pull-ups and now he feels pretty proud about his accomplishments. Maddie has started putting up a star for each successful #2 in the potty and she really has been doing very well. I'm hoping we finally have gotten her over the hump of being scared to go #2 in the potty. She's done great for the past few weeks, we just need to continue to reinforce her good behavior. I told her if she could fill up her whole potty chart with stickers (yes, I bought stars in different colors, don't judge me) then we would go to a movie in the movie theatre, since she discovered how much she loves it. Same rules go for Brady, although I think he was more impressed with the fun chairs in the theatre, you know, up down up down up down, ALL the way up and down the row for the last WHOLE movie. But whatever. As long as they have fun, that's all that matters to me.


Okay. Vent over. I think I'm done getting this off my shoulders. The good thing is, when I get like this, I have a husband that can read me like a book and is right there to reassure me, hold me, let me talk and take care of me when I need him most. I'm so lucky. I need to tell him that more often.

On that thought........


Hope I'll be more "me" next time I post. Here's hopin'...........

Happy Valentine's Day!

Early, I know, but the kids are celebrating today with classroom parties so it seems like today is the big day. They are both so excited. They took their little valentines and treats for their classes and were all jazzed up this morning. Maddie is dressed in her little red sweaterdress with leggings and sparkly shoes (red, of course) and a red sparkly hair bow. She looks adorable.

Brady? In sweats and his "Feed Me" t-shirt. At least it's red. Right? It seemed more appropriate for him. All Brady, all the time.



Glynn and I have collectively decided to not buy each other valentine's gifts this year, but to instead maybe enjoy a dinner out together if we can beg for a babysitter. We'll put the money from the gifts into our practice nest egg instead.

Speaking of the practice......we've got our business plan all together and tweaked until perfect. It's really great, Glynn did most of it but I got to put my spin on part of it too, and I have to say, we did a pretty spectacular job (but I give most credit to him). If THAT doesn't help get our practice loan, I don't know what will. Maybe sending them a box of puppies with little red bows around their necks? I give up guessing what banks want these days. No matter WHAT our fearless leader Obama says.

Let's see, what else? Oh, yes, Jodie's medical update:

After the nerve ablation last week, I initially had a decrease in pain for a few days, but now it's coming back, just a different type of pain than I had before. This time it's more sharp, stabby, and electric-shock-y type of pain. It hurts quite a bit, but it's a means to an end. It's simply the nerve in the process of dying and waving a little white flag, but it's putting up a fight to the very end, so this is normal. It could be 4 to 6 weeks of more pain as the nerve slowly dies, but the good news is that it eventually WILL. And I've been in pain for so long, that what's a few more weeks? It's wearing me out a bit and I'm a bit cranky with it, but it WILL be over soon. I have hope.

I've had a pretty busy week of patients that have been marathon cases, so I'm worn out today. I think I'll try to cut out early and get a bit of rest before I need to go get the kids. We'll see. If I can get through the mountain of paperwork that I've been skillfully avoiding this week (I'm nothing if not an EXCELLENT procrastinator), then all will end well as we go into this THREE DAY WEEKEND! On which we are hoping to re-visit the potty-training issue with Brady. He will go for us but doesn't want anything to do with pull-ups or big boy underwear. The dude likes his diapers! Guess they are a bit more insulating, and they do tend to cushion his (many) falls off the couch or whatever else he is superman-ing off of that particular moment.

{{{pause in blogging for patient treatment}}}


Whew! Let the marathons continue!!! Sheesh! Have these kids ever even SEEN a toothbrush? I'm exhausted!!!


Too tired to continue this post, must save hand strength for writing up epic novels worth of charts.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Please brush after eating all of that candy. :)

Success?

Yesterday I had my radiofrequency nerve ablation done. In short, what they did was basically attach a probe to the nerve that has had me basically crippled for the last year, and send pulses through the probe to burn the nerve and kill it.

They told me it can take up to 4 weeks for the nerve to die off and then I should be pain free.


That's too good to even consider. I feel really good about this, like it might actually happen this time.

Right now, I'm pretty sore and still having some pain, but it should go away over the next few weeks if everything goes as planned. Then I can get off all this medication and get my life back!

I felt like this would never happen......I'm cautiously optimistic, but I'll be running around screaming and jumping for joy when I wake up and I'm NOT in pain in a few weeks. Then? I'll be a true believer.

I CAN'T WAIT.

Thanks for the prayers, everyone, I think they worked.

I double puffy heart my girlfriends!

Not GIRLFRIENDS girlfriends, pervs. I'm talking about my friends that happen to be women. Just like my husband and mom, they are the ones I can turn to with anything.

I was lucky enough to have a long conversation with my BFF today, Karis. We've been friends for, um, lets see here......28 years? Is that right? God, I feel old. (But damn, does my skin look fantastic...LOL. Gotta love me some Mary Kay eye cream!)

Anyway, its always good to talk to her and catch up. It made my day.

AND, I started the day with a good long convo with my very great friend Emily. Love her too! We're so alike that it's almost eerie. And we actually work together and still like each other! This is almost unheard of, trust me.

Couldn't have come at a better time, either. Then I got to thinking about those friends I've lost touch with over the years, some just by distance and time, some by misinterpretation of actions on both sides (well, one, actually, but that's a different story) and I miss them all every day. And some that you know will probably never be a part of your life ever again, but you'll always have good memories of and wish them well.

There's nothing in the world like friendship. And we should never take it for granted. Because friends, GOOD friends, friends that you can talk to anything about, call at any hour, who will be there for you and vice versa, don't come along just every day.

And THAT is one of the many things I'm thankful for today in particular. You?

You know what they call the guy who graduates from dental school in the bottom of his class?

DOCTOR.


I think I came across some of that guy's work today. Shit. What a freaking mess.

*big heavy sigh*

Rebuilding what this guy destroyed is gonna take waaaaaay more time and energy than I have in my reserves. Time to call in some backup.


So how is everyone else's day going?


I need some more coffee.

We can do this, it just takes time.

I saw "Logan" again today for a follow up.

He's healing well, and was in good spirits. He brought his lovely wife with him. We discussed what had happened during surgery and his history of treatment. We sat down and talked for a long time.

I told him that I thought I could work with him to get over his fears. I told him it could take weeks, months, maybe even years, but that at some point we HAD to get him back to being able to function in the dental chair, and he agreed. I'm going to start him out with a simple cleaning in a couple of weeks and we're going to take "baby steps" from there.

It's amazing to me that nobody has tried this yet. It's not rocket science. It's humanity. It's compassion. It's common sense!

It may take awhile, but I'm going to get this guy comfortable in the chair again. I just know it. He seemed optimistic and hopeful, and so did his wife. He told me that nobody had ever tried to do that before (big surprise) and that he feels comfortable with me. His wife was thrilled (partly because she gets to make a commissary trip every time he comes back) and I could see the relief in her eyes.

So here's hoping, people. Keep the prayers coming.

"Where are my men?"

I know the purpose of this blog is to just keep y'all updated on the daily happenings of the Spencer family, so I guess this counts.

Last week was a short week, due to our holiday on Monday, but it felt like the longest week ever. It seemed to drag on and on, and then after Friday, I was just toast. Done. Worn out. Finished. I went home Friday afternoon, had a campout with the family on the couch, and spent the whole day Saturday in jammies, snuggling with the family and watching movies all day. Really. I almost grew tentacles like a slug. I was worn out, felt like I had been beaten by a baseball bat, don't really know what was wrong with me. Anyway, something happened with a patient on Friday that I can't stop thinking about so I guess I'll tell you guys about it. I will not give any identifying markers of this patient, but I have to give you a little background to understand it.

First of all, let me start by saying that I've seen a lot of shit during the last 6 years in the Navy, but thankfully, none of it was operational. The closest to the desert that I got was a beach in Hawaii. And my number was never pulled to deploy. If it had been, I would have gone without too much complaint (well, maybe some but you know me, if I didn't bitch about something I would blow up) because after all, that's kind of what I signed up for. Supporting the war on terrorism. More accurately, supporting the men and women who put their boots on the ground fighting the war on terrorism. And their families. But of all of those children, family members, and servicemembers I have treated, this guy is in my top 10 of people I will never forget.

As a Navy doc, it's my job to treat not only our sailors but our Marines as well. And I've loved it. After all, you'll never find a group of people more energized and motivated to do what they're asked to do. And this guy is no different. For the sake of argument, let's call him Logan. An active duty Marine who has done quite a bit of time in Iraq. Just like every other Marine, Logan was more than eager to tell me about his experiences in country, and give me details that I wasn't quite expecting.

I got to meet Logan because he had been referred to me as a dental fears patient. The first time I saw him, the only history I got was that ever since he had gotten back from Iraq, he hadn't been able to tolerate dental treatment. Something about sharp things in his mouth. I heard some fuzzy story about him pinning a dentist against the wall when he surprised Logan with something sharp. So I was already expecting a battle.

I went in the room and met a normal looking guy, well, normal for a Marine anyway. Average height and weight with classic flat-top "jarhead" Marine haircut. We shook hands and I sat down to talk with him. I cleared out the room of excessive people (he seemed to be more nervous with an audience, and I wanted to respect his privacy) and he gave me the background.

Logan had spent several months in Iraq a few years ago. His platoon saw some pretty heavy activity, many gunfights, IEDs, roadside bombs, field mines, you name it. Logan himself had been hit by a roadside bomb and suffered some trauma to his feet and shrapnel damage to his head. I saw some scars on his face and he explained where they came from. He said that he had seen several of his squad members die in front of his eyes and had been suffering from some pretty severe Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder since he had been home. The nightmares, flashbacks, and rage had torn apart his marriage (although they have since gotten back together and are in counseling together...I met her later, wonderful woman, but I'll get to that). He was currently in a recruiting office and in counseling and treatment for his PTSD. To deal with his rage, it is universally encouraged throughout the service (just found this out) that the member be involved with some sort of fighting sport. Logan was involved in extreme fighting (cage fighting? I'm not sure) to "get the rage out" as he put it. He told me that he was very sensitive about his feet and his head, and that anything unexpected was very hard for him to deal with.

Just as an aside: You don't have to be a pediatric dentist or even someone who has dealt with "dental fears" to understand that all this guy needed was some compassion, someone who would take their time and help him work through his dental fears, to go slow, to explain every step as they went along, and to not surprise him with anything. Easy. Right? Oh, no. Some dentists in the service (I hate to generalize, but that's really how it is, and not just in the military) become complacent. They treat patients like numbers, "treat 'em and street 'em", and tend to forget that there is a patient attached to that tooth. A patient with thoughts, feelings, and fears. A patient that has their individual issues, one that may be on the brink of snapping from stress. A patient just like Logan. It shouldn't take someone getting to the place where he was at for someone to take notice and start treating him like a human, instead of a head case. There are thousands upon thousands of soldiers, sailors and Marines out there just like him who just haven't reached that point yet. All it takes to make them snap in the dental chair is someone who DOESN'T take into account their history, their own set of conditions that makes that person human, to treat them like a tooth and boom, there you go. Breakdown. I hope that makes sense. What I'm trying to say is that if everyone took the time to treat their patients with just an ounce of compassion, it may never get to the point where Logan was at. There's no reason why anyone should have to bring out a special skill set to have to treat someone with anxiety, if they had a good bedside (chairside) manner to begin with, it should come naturally.

But I digress.

Logan had been treated once successfully under IV sedation for some minor dental work before, so that's what we decided to do this time. We gave him all the information, got some xrays, and signed some consents that day. He let me do an exam on him and we set an appointment to sedate him and finish his work in a couple of weeks.


Flash forward to this past Friday.

Logan showed up with his wife (his safe driver) for the procedure. The IV was started without incident, and we began the procedure. We sedated him enough for me to take out one tooth, but when I tried to start the fillings, that's when we had trouble. Logan was having trouble staying in a good sedated place, because he was having some sleep apnea type symptoms and would startle himself "awake" every few seconds, and then his head would jerk, his arms and legs would move, and we couldn't safely continue the procedure with him moving. We made the decision to stop, wake him up, and try something else at a later date, like an O.R. visit or something else. It was just simply not safe to sedate him heavily enough in our office setting for me to get the work done, no big deal, it happens, so we made the decision to abort the procedure and let him wake up as the medication wore off.

And that's when it started.

As Logan began to come to, I started trying to wake him up and help him come around. I kept asking him to open his eyes and tell him where he was and what was going on. As I was speaking to him, this is what happened:

Logan: "Shh. Shhhh!"

Me: "What?"

Logan: "Shhhh. Gunfire. Gunfire!"

Pause.

Longer pause.

Me: "Logan, there's no gunfire, you're in the dental office. You just had some work done and you're waking up."

Logan: "Where's my men?"

Me: "They're safe, Logan. You're home. Everybody's home. You're in Great Lakes. You're in the dental office. You just had work done and you're waking up."

Chills ran down my spine as I realized Logan was having some wicked flashbacks. His fists came up and he began jerking in the chair. I thought at first it was a seizure but then I quickly realized he was acting out something (which he later told me he thought he was running a 50 cal machine gun off the back of a tank)

This continued for nearly an hour. He kept waking up, indicating that he knew where he was, and then would fall back into a deeper plane of anesthesia, saying things like,

"Did Davis make it?"

"Have you seen Christenson?" (names changed to protect identity)

"Where are my men?" again, and again.

At one point, when I thought he had woken up enough, I asked,

"Logan, where are you?"

"Al-Assad," he answered.

Chills, again. I felt so terrible that he was reliving these moments as I desperately tried to wake him up. One of my wonderful assistants had been holding his hands this entire time, and he kept trying to shoot a gun with one of them. She looked absolutely shocked, and I knew she must be feeling as terrible for him as I was, but I just kept going.

Finally, FINALLY, he seemed lucid enough, so we brought in his wonderful wife. Upon seeing her, he immediately broke into tears. She sat down next to him and started rubbing his earlobes, which seemed to have a calming effect. (Isn't it amazing how we know our spouses so well that we know their trigger zones to calm down? I love seeing that kind of closeness in a couple, it makes me feel warm to know that he had that kind of support). Logan mumbled something to his wife, and she said, "You know he's not here, baby." She seemed to be very familiar with this behavior.

Later, after Logan was completely lucid, we talked some more. He told me that of his platoon, there were 280 wounded and 32 dead. He had seen his best friend completely eviscerated in front of his eyes. I asked him how he had slept the previous night (thinking that a lack of sleep had brought these flashbacks on). Logan looked at me with sleepy eyes and said, "Doc, I don't sleep. I don't want to. The nightmares are too bad."

His wife told me that this happens to him EVERY NIGHT. She has to help him come back to reality, to remind him where he is, to tell him again that he's home, and that those people he was asking for didn't make it.

Imagine that. Mom, Dad, I know you don't have to, that you've been there.

But these young people who come back from the war like this are as crippled as those who come back missing limbs. Thank God that we're now more educated and able to help them, but still, it will be years before this man sleeps through the night peacefully, if ever.

So for now, I just ask that you keep "Logan" in your prayers. I can't give his real name for privacy purposes but you could pray for Jodie's PTSD patient and his family.



I'm sure God will figure it out.

2010, already? Hoping for a better year.....

Let's face it, 2009 was NOT my year. I am committed to making this year a better one by doing absolutely everything within my immediate power to making it better. I'm not really one for new year's resolutions, and even if I were, I would have so many to make that typing them out would give me immediate carpal tunnel syndrome, thus negating the whole "within my power" thing.

So, with this thought, one of the very first things I did in the new year? Slipped on the ice and bashed my back into the running board of my SUV. Outside of my kids' daycare. I'm pretty sure that a whole bunch of children learned a few new words that day. Seriously, though, it must've looked like a cartoon, you know, when the cartoon character's feet just FLY out from underneath them and they go careening through the air before ending up flat on their back? With little birdies flying around their head? Yeah, it went something like that. With a lot more F-bombs involved.

But, xrays all clear, I didn't break anything, and today I'm actually feeling much better. So, let's just let that little incident be my freebie for the year. Okay? We'll brush it under the rug as a leftover from 2009.

I realize, once again, that I haven't blogged regularly in a very long time, but here it goes again. Due in most part to the fact that my hubby of FIVE YEARS (as of yesterday) gave me a new, lightweight, highly portable notebook computer (and yes, it's pink, of course), I will have much more opportunity to blog and let you all know how things are going. I intend to download pictures to it too, so I'll have more opportunity to put up pics.

There are a few things I need to catch you up on that happened at the end of 2009. One of them, I wanted to write as a totally different blog post titled "And a baby was born in a manger, and they wrapped him in swaddling clothes and named him Stinky". Stick with me on this one, it's worth it.

So a few days before Christmas, I was giving the kids a bath in our bathtub and had sent them out of the bathroom, all clean and PJ'ed up, while I picked up towels and bath toys. I came out of the bathroom to find them both snuggled up in our bed under the covers. Anyway, it turned into a family snuggle-fest and story time. I was telling the kids the story of Christmas and we were discussing the true meaning behind the holiday and talking about the birth of Christ (just a little FYI, not even close to the first time they've heard it, they're cradle Catholics, after all), you know, telling the story as you can only tell it to children, with lots of inflictions in voice and making it entertaining, asking them a lot of questions to make sure they were paying attention. So I'd gotten to the good part:

Me: "So Mary and Joseph ended up in a manger, that's kind of like a barn, and there were lots of animals there, like cows and goats and..."

Maddie: "Chickens!"

Me: "Yes, and.."

Brady: "Dinosaurs!"

Me: "No, no dinosaurs, more like farm animals..."

Brady: "Giraffes!"

Me: "No, like sheep and stuff. Anyway, they had a BABY in that manger and do you know what the named him?"

Brady: "Stinky!"

(pause for laughter)


I just HAD to write that one down instead of losing it in my jumbled up memory forever. Great stuff, huh? What was that old show, Kids Say the Darndest Things or something like that? Perfect!

We had a great Christmas, Mom and Dad were supposed to come but due to our wonderful weather, they had to come the next weekend instead. So we had Christmas twice! It was nice to have them come a little later, I guess, because we got to celebrate twice!

Glynn and I are looking forward to this year because it marks the momentous occasion of us getting out of the Navy and starting our own practice. We've currently picked a location in Lee's Summit and just went to lease on the space. We still have to have our real estate attorney look it over before we sign anything (as well as us BOTH getting our separation from the Navy approved--Glynn got his this week but I'm still waiting), but we're so excited about building our own practice and not being at the mercy of the Navy anymore.

It's bittersweet, though, because we've enjoyed our time in together (except for this year, and that was largely due to my health issues, which have now reached the ONE YEAR mark. Jeez). I will never forget our time together in Japan especially, because that was a huge growing point for us, only having each other to lean on. I think it helped us grow closer together. This year has been wicked tough, not only because I've been out of commission for most of it, but also because we're stuck in jobs we don't really love because we're not practicing our speciality. On the rare occasion that I DO get to see a child as a patient (and even then it's only for an eval or referral), it makes my day and reminds me how much I DO love my "real" job, and how I can't wait to be practicing my specialty again. Also, being stationed stateside is a whole ballgame than being overseas. There's not such a sense of family or closeness with your co-workers, and you feel the stresses of life more over here, I think. I don't know why. Maybe it's because we felt so removed from everything overseas, but probably mostly due to the fact that we're getting out this year. That's wicked stress.

Anyway, it seems like I had more to talk about but it has escaped me for now. I'm feeling much better today than I was yesterday so this weekend's project will have to be taking down Christmas decorations and cleaning house. My mom really had us caught up (that woman never sits down) but even a two days without cleanup in this house=disaster zone. It's not that bad, but it does look like dinosaurs have taken over. Wonder why?

Right now the kids are making "beds" on the living room floor. They love to make little cuddly spaces with each other, and then they beg to sleep there. That never happens, though, because when they are together, neither one falls asleep. Maybe it'll happen tonight, though. (yeah, right). We haven't had a campout in ages, I think we're due for one. Especially since the kids have made their most recent spot on the floor. That means more couch for me and Daddy!

So hello 2010! Here's hoping for a great year.