A little blue today.....

This pain is really getting the best of me. Again. I KNOW that this increase in pain is only temporary, but it's kind of kicking my ass. And so comes the dark cloud over my head that has been plaguing me on and off for the past several months, the deep dark depressive thoughts, the anxiety, the bad juju. I've felt it creeping up on me today and have tried to keep it in check, but it's starting to win.

When I get like this, I start to think about things that make me upset and sad, the equivalent of emotional cutting, I suppose. I've been missing my Grandma like crazy today, for some reason. I guess it really came and kicked me in the face when Maddie asked for jelly for her bagel. Stick with me, I'm going somewhere with this. The jelly is homemade by Uncle Ken, so I automatically associate that with Grandma, plus her picture is up on the refrigerator, and I know how much she would love to see Maddie with her little face all smeared with grape jelly made from grapes off of her vines. I don't know. It's just the way my mind goes.....the thought process that leads from one thought to another until it's in a place that I don't want to be. I'm not having much anxiety right now, more just some deep dark sadness, which can sometimes be worse. Sometimes my "anxiety attacks" have manifested as more "depression attacks" if that makes sense. I'll just get really upset and sad and melancholy about something (sometimes I don't even know what it IS, I just can't put a finger on it), and THEN the anxiety comes because I can't seem to get a hold on my emotions. This is one of those nights. I'm anxious also about this pain and I get a bit freaked out that I can't make it go away completely right now. I'm trying to use ice, rest, everything else I can do, but nothing works except more pain medication, which I CAN'T take enough of because I will run out of it before my appointment on Wednesday of this week. So I'm trying to reserve using it until I absolutely need it and try to deal with the pain in between.

Please don't get me wrong, I completely understand that this is normal, that this is part of the process of the nerve dying and that it WILL go away, but it's really hard to have increased pain after all these months of it being constant, but controllable. It makes me feel like I'm back at the beginning where nobody knew what was wrong with me and I couldn't get the pain to go away. Which, coincidentally, is at the peak of those times when I was having extra anxiety/depression issues.

Anyway. I know I must sound like such a whiner and you would think this wouldn't throw me for such a loop but it has. Maybe I'm just a weenie. I don't care. When I need to get stuff off my chest I come here. Makes me feel better to vent.

Ahhh, the ice pack is finally kickin in. After the intense pain from the freezing comes the blessed, blessed numbness. Now we're talkin'.

This weekend was supposed to be an intro to potty training with Brady. I made special potty charts for both him AND Maddie. When he goes successfully in the potty, he gets to put a star on his chart and then go get a treat. I've also gotten him to accept pull-ups and now he feels pretty proud about his accomplishments. Maddie has started putting up a star for each successful #2 in the potty and she really has been doing very well. I'm hoping we finally have gotten her over the hump of being scared to go #2 in the potty. She's done great for the past few weeks, we just need to continue to reinforce her good behavior. I told her if she could fill up her whole potty chart with stickers (yes, I bought stars in different colors, don't judge me) then we would go to a movie in the movie theatre, since she discovered how much she loves it. Same rules go for Brady, although I think he was more impressed with the fun chairs in the theatre, you know, up down up down up down, ALL the way up and down the row for the last WHOLE movie. But whatever. As long as they have fun, that's all that matters to me.


Okay. Vent over. I think I'm done getting this off my shoulders. The good thing is, when I get like this, I have a husband that can read me like a book and is right there to reassure me, hold me, let me talk and take care of me when I need him most. I'm so lucky. I need to tell him that more often.

On that thought........


Hope I'll be more "me" next time I post. Here's hopin'...........